20 Ways To Annoy Mello
by Potential Schizophrenic
Summary: LAWL. Slashyness, MXNXM, Evil Vegetables, Mello-esque dogs, Trying to get Mello outta the closet and way more inside!
1. Chapter 1

**I'm am:**

**Very bored**

**Very depressed**

**In need of a cheer up.**

**Disclaimer: i own nothing**

**Enjoy!**

20 Ways to annoy Mello

1)Ask him why he has such a girly hairstyle

2) Tell him his hair would look better on a lap-dog

3. Ask him why he carries handcuffs around with him…especially when Near is around

4)Tell him his leather leaves nothing to the imagination, and you have a BIG imagination, _if you get what I mean_

5)Cut off a lock of his hair and compare it to your Barbie doll's

6)Ask him what brand of hair dye he uses

7)Stare at him while you eat chocolate

8) If he comes after you, vanish and leave a note on the empty chocolate wrapper saying "Eat my dust!"

9)Beg him for chocolate in any way possible and then give it to Near right in front of him

10)Give every kid at Whammy's chocolate for Christmas/Valentines day, and get Mello nothing because Near told you he didnt like chocolate

11) Take the bullets from his gun and make them into some fashionable new jewelry

12) Every time Near is around, start humming/singing Avenue Q 'If You Were Gay'

13) At your wedding to L, make sure you stand Mello and Near together and throw your bouquet at Mello

14)Find every chocolate bar he owns, open them with out ripping the paper, replace them with very cleverly cut carrots, and reseal them

15)Send Matt an 'anonymous' valentine from Mello

16)Tell him you're Kira and then yell "APRIL FOOL!"

17)Tell him Aizawa's afro is Kira

18)Hand-feed him chocolate squares while he cant reach you

19)Replace his leather stuff with leather skirt and thigh-highs

20)Tell him he talks in his sleep about Near

**I will write the scenarios in the coming chapters! R&R an i will air-mail cookies!!**


	2. Chapter 2

**I know how clichéd and emo this sounds, but i'm so depressed right now. Seriously. I wouldnt be surprised if i'm homeless any day now...but seeing as i needed a cheer up, i wrote this.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing**

**Enjoy!**

I wandered over to where Mello was sitting, on a beanbag where he could glare at Near. I sat down beside him. He glared at me. I grinned back. After a while he yelled, "What the hell do you want?!" I smoothed his blondy-blondy hair and said,

"Mello, why is your hair so girly?"

"You bitch! I'll kill you!!!" Mello whipped his gun out of his pants (he can fit it down there because…well…the other stuff he keeps down there is pretty small) and that was my queue to run for it.

**So that was scenario 1. What'll happen when I tell Mello his hair looks better on a lapdog???**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hehehe...poor Mello. Now to torture him more!!!**

**Disclaimer: i own nothing**

**Enjoy!!**

I strolled into the Whammy's common room, my new lahsa-apso (sp?) puppy in my arms. Mello saw me coming and tried to run, but I slung an arm round his neck and held him in his place on the sofa.

"Mello! Do you like my new puppy?"

"No, it looks like a rat with extendo hair." He was wriggling and trying to get away but I was too damn strong!

"I named him after the prettiest person at Whammy's, Mello!"

"Tell me and then get lost!"

"He's called Mello!"

"CHANGE THAT THINGS NAME AND THEN GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!!!!!!!!!!!!" I giggled. You could practically hear his brain popping, and his face was really really red.

"He even has your hairstyle! But it looks a lot better on him…" Mello finally escaped and grabbed the dog from me. He threw Mello Junior out the window and shot at him (missing every time of course) until he ran out of bullets. Mello Jr. was terrified and ran away into the forest.

"Mellooooo…" I whined, letting my lips tremble. "That was Matt's dog!"

"OH FOR F**** SAKE!!!!!!"

**Haahahahahhaaaa...Mello sure gets annoyed easily, huh? Wonder what he'll do when i ask why he carries handcuffs around when Near is about? hmmm...interesting....**


	4. Chapter 4

**Gawd, you people may hate all this, but its making me feel hella better!!!**

**Disclaimer: i own nothing**

**Enjoy!!**

I noticed Mello walk by me in the lunch room. I followed him and leapt up onto his back, so he was forced to give me a piggy back. "Hahhahahahah!!! This is fun Mello!" He gave a really loud man-scream, and dropped me on the floor. "OW! Mello, I think you broke my bum…oohh…" From this angle I could see the handcuffs at his belt. They reminded me of something I wanted to ask him.

"Mello, why do you carry round those handcuffs?" he picked me up, put me on my feet, and grunted,

"Safety."

"But sometimes you don't wear them. What if something bad happened and Mello-Chan didn't have his handcuffs?" I gasped and covered my mouth with my hands in mock fright. He gave me an annoyed look.

"Sometimes I forget them. Now will you GET LOST?!" I giggled.

"Now that I think about it, you only ever have those handcuffs with you when Near is around. Look, there he is!" I pointed and waved at Near. He gave me a weird look and ignored me. "And you always glare at him. Like you're plotting the best time to jump him."

"WHAT!!!"

"You might be planning to jump him and cuff him to something and"-

"Say another word and I'll shoot your f****** brains out!!!!!!!!!" I giggled and put a daisy in the end of his gun, skipping away like a little three-year-old. Mello contented himself with going into the woods to shoot something. Mello Jr. was found dead the next day.

**RIP Mello Jr. You were a good char to write. I will miss you. I need to get revenge by telling Mello about certain flaws there are with him wearing leather...**


	5. Chapter 5

**Hahahaha....now we're onto Mello's leather. Ah, good days in the world of fanfiction...reality though, thats another story.**

**Disclaimer: i own nothing**

**Enjoy!!**

I was walking around like a ghost, all in black in mourning of Mello Jr. I was looking for something to cheer me up- when I saw Mello. A mischievous grin appeared on my face. He was wearing all leather.

I snuck up behind him really quietly, then yelled in his ear, "'ELLO, MELLO!" he swore and leaped up, whipping his gun out of his pants as I nearly split my sides with laughter. Matt laughed too, a little.

I sat there for a bit, being generally annoying, until I decided to go for the buzz question. This could be fun. "Mello" I started, "Mello, why do you wear those tight leather pants?"

"Why do you keep bothering me?"

"I'm just curious. Because, you know, those pants…" I bit my lip and nodded at his…below-waist area. "Don't leave a lot to the imagination. And I have a BIG imagination…you don't leave much to it"

"What the hell?!?!?" his entire head went red and he waved his gun around. Matt feel off his chair laughing and Mello gave him a death glare. I ran away giggling.

Later, I saw Mello wearing baggy jeans.

**Yes, Mello. Wearing baggys make you look bigger. Next time im cutting Mello's hair!!!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Lol. This was a good write n_n.**

**Disclaimer: i own nothing**

**Enjoy!!**

"AHAHAHAHA!!!" I ruthlessly decapitated a Barbie doll. Near shook his head mournfully and took Barbie to his toy hospital. I watched him go as I tried to drown an action man, giggling the whole time.

I was about to behead another Barbie when I saw Mello walk past. Yay! He was more fun to torture than inanimate objects. I crept up behind him, brandishing the scissors, and snipped off a lock of his hair. He yelped and spun round, but I was already back with my toys. I held the Barbie up to the light alongside his hair. "Wow, Mello! Your hair is SO SIMILAR to my Barbie's that if one of you wasn't plastic I'd think you were related!!"

"Shut up!"

"You being the plastic one of course."

"Shut up!!!!!!"

"I mean, no-one can have an ass that nice and be a real person."

"SHUT UP!!!!!" I ran away giggling, and as I shut the door I heard Matt stop laughing and say;

"I wish she'd say I had a nice ass!!!"

**Hehehe. Just so we're clear, i wasnt one of those kids who derived pleasure from the torture of toys. I was the kind who buried them in the yard while playing 'Jungles' and lost them.**

**Whats Mello gonna say when i ask what hair dye he recomends?**


	7. Chapter 7

**Ah, what great times we live in. Amanda Shortcake (I remember it that way far easier) you will be in this story!!! You can be in chapter 18. That could be fun. But I'll try put ya in b4 that XD lol.**

**Disclaimer: i own nothing, SO STOP ASKING ME!!!**

**Enjoy!!**

I was bored with my boring mouse-colored hair. I sat there by the window, looking at it and thinking how boring it was, when Mello walked past. I grinned evilly. He did an overly-homo hair-flip, and his blondy locks caught the light. I saw the inspiration. I took it.

"Mellooo!" I yelled while running to catch up. He yelped and tried to run away, but I just rugby tackled him to the ground. "Hello, Mello!" I hugged him tight but didn't let him up. "Mello, I was thinking about changing my hair color."

"GET OFF ME!"

"And your hair is so shiny…"

"I DON'T CARE!!! LET ME UP!!!"

"You really are pretty, Mels." By this time everyone in the room was cracking up laughing.

"WHAT THE HELL?! GUYS ARE NOT PRETTY!!!"

"Well you are. Anyway, I was wondering if you could tell me what brand of hair dye you use?"

"WHAT!?" He was able to get up by now, and I fell onto the floor.

"Ouch."

"This is my NATURAL COLOR!!!"

"Wow. It is?" That was Matt.

"YES!!!"

"Like anyone here believes you." I said, grinning and ruffled his hair. "Please recommend me a brand of hair dye?"

Mello just screamed something incoherent and stormed out. I turned to Matt.

"He's totally in denial."

"Totally."

**I love that ending XD Will Mello kill me if i stare at him eating chocolate? One way to find out XD**


	8. Chapter 8

**Heehee. Sorry for late updates, the computer broke. If i dont update more between now and xmas, have a good one! And remember, on christmas morning, yaoi is wowee.**

**Disclaimer: i own nothing**

**Enjoy!!**

Mello was sitting on a window sill, looking very lonely because someone had eaten all his chocolate bars. It wasn't me- I paid Matt to do it. I kept one spare. This could be fun. I sat right outside the second floor window where Mello was and stared into his eyes as I began to eat the last chocolate bar in Whammy's house. His eyes widened.

He pointed at the chocolate, then at himself; 'Is that my chocolate?' I nodded, and took another bite. He started making all kinds of signs and gestures, trying to be as polite as he could to get his chocolate. When I only smirked, his face went really furious. He started to hit the window, cursing and pleading for his chocolate. A friend of mine at Whammy's, Amanda, walked out the back door. So Mello could definitely see, I broke the last two squares in half and passed one to her. We ate them and grinned at Mello.

Whatever patience Mello had left snapped. He got his gun out and shot through the glass. As he was climbing down the wall, Amanda got a marker pen out of her pocket. What was she planning?

**Amanda Shortcake, you are officially a character!! You will work out the plan if you read the next one n the list in chapter one.**

**Before adding authors notes to this, it was exactly 200 words. i didnt even plan it. i was so proud.**


	9. Chapter 9

**Happy new year to all!! So, here be Amanda's plan. And, seeing as i need an acomplice in my Mello-annoying, I made you into a more major character, Amanda Shortcake, is that okay?**

**Disclaimer: Why do I bother? Nobody reads these things, but i dont own anything...**

Amanda took the empty chocolate wrapper and wrote something on it that I couldn't see. Mello raced towards us from where he'd landed, and I was all for running like hell, but she stayed where she was. It was either stupidly brave or just plain stupid, I couldn't decide which. But when Mello got to her, screaming "You two are soooo dead! Seriously! BUY ME MORE CHOCLATE!! NOW!!" She giggled and slapped the wrapper onto his forehead.

"Now we run!" we ran up a tree. Mello couldn't climb trees in his all-too-revealing leather, because it was too tight, so we were safe. He looked at the wrapper. I read his lips because he was muttering too quietly to hear. "Eat my dust…" he read it and growled really loudly. He looked at our tree and whipped out his gun. Before he even fired a shot, we dived out and hit the ground, then ran like hell. We heard Mello yelling at us still.

When we were out of firing range, I turned to Amanda. "The ink was still wet when you stuck that to his head."

"Yup."

"And that was permanent marker."

"Yeah…your point?"

"When he looks in the mirror he's going to have 'Eat my dust' on his head. Permanently."

"Yup! That was the general plan!" I looked at her for a second. Then broke down with laughter.

**Well R&R! Tell me what ya think? And Mello hates Near, yes? So what will happen when I give Near some of Mello's chocolate? Review if ya wanna find out!!**


	10. Chapter 10

**And so we continue annoying Mello to the brink of insanity!**

**And Oh!!!! I'm in a fanfic!! If you havent read it, its called 'Geek In The Striped Shirt And Goggles' by teh fabulous WhammyWhore herself...Amanda Shortcake!**

**Disclaimer: i own nothing**

**Enjoy!!**

"Oh please, Mello!"

"No."

"But we helped you get the ink off your head!"

"You used nail varnish remover!"

"It worked though, didn't it?"

"It hurts like hell!!!!"

"Mello, why can't we have just _one_ little tiny widdle bar of chocolate?!"

"BECAUSE IT'S MY GODAMNED CHOCOLATE!!"

"But we went with Matt and got you like thirty boxes!!!"

"But…But…IT'S MINE!"

I grabbed his right hand and swung it like a little kid. "Pleeeeeeease, Melloooo…"

Amanda grabbed his left hand and swung _on_ it, like an even littler kid. "Melloooo, if you love us, you'll give us chocolate…"

He shook us of so we landed on the floor with a thump. "NO!!!" I wrapped my arms around his leg and pretended to cry.

"PLEASE!!!!!!!!!"

Amanda tugged on the hem of his shirt and burst into fake tears.

"PLEASE MELLO!!!!"

He just growled "Arrrgh…stupidgirlsmakingmegiveupperfectlygoodchocolate…" under his breath. He pulled out a bar of chocolate and we grabbed it quick, before he could change his mind.

"You're a doll, Mel!" I kissed his cheek, then ran away giggling while he was struck speechless.

--------

A bit later, Mello was sitting on a couch in the common room next to Matt, who was doing something on his new X-Box 360. Near was at the other end of the room. We walked past Mello, holding his chocolate, and sat next to Near.

"Want some chocolate, Near-Chan?"

"Ummm…okay…"

"Here ya go! Eat it all!"

I was feeding Near chocolate squares when Mello looked up at me. His eyes widened when he saw who we were giving all his precious to. Out came the gun. Dragging Near by the arms so he didn't get shot, out we ran.

**I think this ranks in my favourites chapter-wise in this fic. What will happen when I 'forget' to give Mello chocolate?**


	11. Chapter 11

**And here we are, more Mello-annoying adventures...**

**And i advertise again the wonderful fic 'Geek In The Striped Shirt And Goggles'. Its awesome!!!!!**

**Disclaimer: i own nothing**

**Enjoy!**

"Here ya go, Matty!" I handed him a box of chocolates from my stack.

"Here ya go Near!" I threw another box into Near's lap.

"BB-Kun! Catch!" I threw one across the room to BB. Even though he was weird and hated the world and had tendencies to act a little murderous, I was still his favorite person.

"Amanda! Happy…umm…what am I celebrating?"

"Its not any celebration today!" She was already eating lots of chocolate.

"Okay!"

After about an hour I had given a whole box of chocolates to every single kid at Whammy's. Except One. Oops.

Mello was casually leaning on my doorframe as I approached my room. I needed an excuse-fast. I saw Near in the common room. A sly smile appeared on my face. Perfect.

I walked nonchalantly round the corner towards my door. He spotted me and grabbed me by the shoulders.

"WHY DIDN'T I GET ANY CHOCOLATE!?!?!" he shook me. I pouted at him.

"But…Mello-Chan…"

"Don't be cute! Tell me why!!"

"I'm cute?"

"Yes! I mean No! I mean…you know what I mean! I just want chocolate!"

"Mello-Chan, Near-Chan told me you didn't like chocolate." His face looked like it would explode.

"WHAT DID NEAR SAY???"

"He said that you didn't like chocolate so I shouldn't buy you any."

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!!! I'M GONNA KILL HIM! I SWEAR I'M GONNA KILL HIM!"

"Don't kill him!!"

"Why?!"

"Because…its against Whammy rules."

"It is?"

"Yup. Number 453."

"Oh yeah…"

"So you gonna put me down now?"

"Guess so." He put me on the ground.

"Bye, Mello!" he grunted and turned round. I went into my room and picked something up off a shelf.

"Wow! I have a box left!" Mello turned round.

"Chocolate? Gimme gimme gimme!"

"Hey, Near! Want another box?"

"I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!!!"

**What will Mello do when I empty the bullets from his gun? R&R to find out!**


	12. Chapter 12

**WARNING: BELOW BE MUCH RANDOMNESS- which is why it be dedicated to Juju and Lyd-Chan....YESH I WILL BE YOUR PENGUIN!!!**

**Its not my best chap, but its all fun and games.**

**Disclaimer: i own nothing**

**Enjoy!**

"L! L come quick!" Mello was running through the house yelling for L, and drawing his gun at the same time. L ambled out of his room, biting his thumbnail.

"What is it, Mello?"

"The FBI is here! They want to arrest you!"

"And why would they want to arrest the great L?" L's voice was full of confusion. Near yelled from upstairs;

"Probably that public nudity charge, L!"

"But why would the FBI be interested in that?" Amanda asked.

"Because I ran through the FBI HQ naked…" L's mind was obviously on something else. "Mello, just go shoot them and tell them to get off our lawn. We have legal standing to do that because of the fields we have." Mello grinned, drawing his gun.

"Okay L. I won't let you down." I looked at Amanda. She looked at me. we both gulped, and looked down at the new bracelets we were wearing. Oops.

"L!" I screamed, before the detective could walk away.

"What?"

"We were just trying to annoy Mello…" Amanda filled her eyes with fake tears.

"And we kinda…borrowed the bullets from his gun." I looked at L with puppy eyes. "Please don't be mad!"

"L!!!!" Mello's scream was heard throughout the house. "L, I CANT SHOOT THE FRICKEN FBI BECAUSE THOSE FRICKEN GIRLS HAVE EMPTIED MY GUN!!!!"

Amanda looked at me. "Hide!" we dived behind L's legs.

"My god I'm gonna kill you two!!!" Mello slammed the door open and stomped in. I gulped and stood up.

"Mello-Chan, we didn't know you'd need to shoot someone…please don't be mad." I swung on his free hand.

"Mello-Chan, we only wanted some new bracelets." Amanda stood up and showed him the bracelets.

"YOU USED MY BULLETS TO MAKE BRACELETS!?!?!?" Mello shook my hand off and screamed more. There was a smash from downstairs. That was the FBI breaking down the doors. "GOD DAMMIT I CAN'T HIT GIRLS!!!" Mello screamed. "IF I HAD BULLETS I WOULD SHOOT YOU ALL!"

"Um…Mello…" Amanda said timidly "We made you a necklace too!" She held it out.

"See! It looks so pretty on you Mello!" I put in.

"GRRR! I'M GONNA KILL ALL OF YOU!" Borrowing Watari's shotgun from the wall, he went to take out his anger on the FBI.

He returned an hour later with his loaded gun. Me and Amanda looked up at him and ran like the wind, dragging a now bullet-jewelry covered L and a baffled Near after us.

**We has teh new recruit for the Mello-annoying! L! I wonder if Mello like Avenue Q? The weird puppet thing. I hope he doesnt, it would spoil the fun. R&R, my ducks! Per-lease!**

**Read 'Geek In The Striped Shirt And Goggles'! Follow Matt through high school when he discovers his dead fathers books, a girl with two names, and the very intriguing best friend Mello Keehl...who does a very amusing nosebleed trick XD**


	13. Chapter 13

**Well I'm finally updating! Kya ha ha ha ha ha haaa...**

**Note: In this chapter i'm not trying to be homophobic or any shit like that. I just wanted Mello to know it was okay to be gay! **

**READ 'Geek In The Striped Shirt And Goggles' by Papercut Murders...aka Amanda Shortcake! Matty finally isnt a HUUUGE loser with girls now!!! And he's sorta solved some of his random mysteries...anyway, its an amazing read! SO READ IT!! **

**Enjoy!!!**

"I love YouTube…" I smiled at the computer like it was an old friend.

I had just watched Avenue Q 'If you were gay' and it was in my head. Big time. So, time to use this annoyingness to annoy a certain 'Mello' for the rest of the day….muahahahahaaaaaaaa…

"Amandaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!! Where's Mello-Chan? Is he hiding from me?"

"Umm…"

"What you eating?"

"Okay, I confess! Mello bribed me with chocolate so I wouldn't tell you he's hiding in the washing machine!"

"I'll get the little lady when he gets tired of inhaling detergent…"

"Whatcha planning now?"

"Well, put it this way. I've got 'If you were gay' in my head and it's gotta get out somehow…"

I wrote some notes for everyone to tell them their instructions. I _did_ have a plan, and they needed to be in on it…

--------

Matt found his note in his DS. He read it and burst out laughing.

--------

Amanda found hers in her laptop, while hacking L's laptop. She just smiled very, very evilly…

--------

L found his in his sweet stash. He also discovered his sweet stash was empty. I ate them all while dropping off the note.

--------

I was sitting about three feet from Near when Mello walked into the common room. He glared at me for some reason…I wonder why. I still had Avenue Q in my head. So what the hey?

"IF YOU WERE GAY  
THAT'D BE OKAY.  
I MEAN 'CAUSE, HEY,  
I'D LIKE YOU ANYWAY.  
BECAUSE YOU SEE,  
IF IT WERE ME,  
I WOULD FEEL FREE  
TO SAY THAT I WAS GAY  
(BUT I'M NOT GAY.)"

Mello got up and walked over to me. He looked pretty pissed off…scratch that. He looked god damned homicidal.

"Are you saying that I'm gay?" I giggled and looked pointedly at Near. He followed my gaze and suddenly went to anger level 500000.

"YOU THINK I LIKE NEAR???? I DO HAVE SOME STANDARDS, YOU KNOW!!!"

"So you're not denying that you're gay?"

"I'm…I'm not gay…"

"Sure." There were lots of out loud and proud at Wammy's. Why did little Mel-Chan have to be the angsty closet one?

"I won't sing the song any more Mello! I promise!" I smiled like a three year old and ran away giggling. I couldn't account for anyone else' actions, could I?

--------

Mello was accidentally walking with Near towards the lunch room when Amanda appeared from nowhere behind them.

"IF YOU WERE QUEER  
I'D STILL BE HERE,  
YEAR AFTER YEAR  
BECAUSE YOU'RE DEAR TO ME  
AND I KNOW THAT YOU  
WOULD ACCEPT ME TOO,  
IF I TOLD YOU TODAY,  
"HEY! GUESS WHAT,  
I'M GAY!"  
(BUT I'M NOT GAY.)"

"What…? HEY! NOT YOU TOO!!!! THAT GIRL MADE YOU SING THAT, DIDN'T SHE!!!!"

"But I'm a yaoi fangirl! Where would we be without the unlikely pairings??"

"THERE IS NO ATTRACTION, GAYNESS, LIKING, LOVE OR SEXUAL TENSION BETWEEN NEAR AND I!! ONLY HATE!! RIGHT, NEAR??" Near looked at his feet, blushed, nodded, and hummed the Avenue Q song that was on so many people's minds today.

"Good. I'm glad you hate me, Near. And YOU!" He pointed back at Amanda. "I'M SO GONNA SHOOT YOU!!!" she laughed as Mello stomped away.

"By the way, Near…if you give me chocolate, I won't tell Mello you like him."

"Deal."

--------

Later, Mello and Near were in the computer room, studying like good little future L's. that was when L popped his head round the door. He noticed Mello giving Near little sidelong glances…

"I'M HAPPY  
JUST BEING WITH YOU.  
SO WHAT SHOULD IT  
MATTER TO ME  
WHAT YOU DO IN BED  
WITH GUYS?"

"Erm…L?" Near's voice was quiet.

"L?!? NOT YOU TOO!!!! L, I'M NOT GAY!!"

"I'm not the best three detectives in the world for nothing Mello…" L skipped off humming like a demented bee.

--------

Matt found Mello being angsty about his sexuality in his room. "Heya Mels."

"You better not start with that song, Matt."

"I won't" Until Near gets here. "Mels, there's nothing wrong with being gay. Heck, Near's had boyfriends before. I've had boyfriends before! So if you really are gay, just be out! It would save the heartache…"

"BUT I'M NOT GAY!!!!"

"Whatever, Mels…" Near chose that moment to visit Mello. Matt grinned and burst into song.

"IF YOU WERE GAY  
I'D SHOUT HOORAY!  
AND HERE I'D STAY,  
BUT I WOULDN'T GET  
IN YOUR WAY."

"I'M GONNA KILL YOU MATT!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Mello was reaching for his gun when L, Amanda and me walked in to join Matt's song.

"YOU CAN COUNT ON ME  
TO ALWAYS BE  
BESIDE YOU EVERY DAY,  
TO TELL YOU IT'S OKAY,  
YOU WERE JUST BORN  
THAT WAY,  
AND, AS THEY SAY,  
IT'S IN YOUR DNA,  
YOU'RE GAY!"

"I HATE ALLLLL OFF YOU! GO DIE! BUT NOT BEFORE YOU NAME ME YOUR SUCCESSOR L!!!! GRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Mello leapt backwards out the window and ran screaming into the forest behind the house. I giggled and looped my arm through L's.

"So…have any ideas for tomorrow?"

**Random random madness. I'm not sure what to think of this chapter...so can you tell me what you think? R&R! Please! I'm a starving writer-person who feed on reviews!!!**


	14. Chapter 14

**I'm so so so so sorry about my oh-so-long absense!!! I cant even spell that right (i dont think)!!!**

**Anyway. I'm back now.**

**THERES NOW A NEW 20 WAYS TO [SOMETHING] MELLO FIC!!!! Called "20 Ways To Seduce Mello" By Papercut Murders, otherwise known as Amanda Shortcake. She's still in the fic!!! She's still helping me annoy Mello!!!**

**By the way, the 'New-Rocks' mentioned are absolutely AMAZING shoes, if you didnt know. BIG boots. Im talkin HUGE FRICKEN BOOTS!!!**

**Disclaimer: i own nothing! that includes the New-Rocks. I dont own a pair, which makes me cry.**

**Enjoy!!**

"OH EM GEEE!!!!" I was completely madly excited, and had very good reason to be. I was getting married. YUP. I was marrying L!

"Wheee! I'm sooooo excited!!!" Amanda, who had insisted on wearing her New-Rocks with her dress, decided that now would be a good time to throw a suspicious black notebook at my head and tell me to shut up. I did.

"You do remember that this wedding thing is only a cover, right? L only needs it for his investigation…"

"Well I don't even like L in that way! Its just…ITS MY FREAKIN' WEDDING DAY!!!!!!"

"You know, we need to celebrate."

"That we do, that we do…"

"What do you propose?"

"Well, Mello got given an invite…"

"Weddings always make so many situations possible, don't they?"

"Oh yes."

--------

"You may now kiss the bride."

Seeing as it was a fake wedding, we didn't actually _kiss_ kiss, just on the cheek. It was still fun, I got to wear the awesome dress and all. But now was a good time to put our plan into action.

Amanda grabbed Near in the crowd and began to drag him along. He tripped over someone's feet, got drenched in champagne, and finally landed on the floor so Amanda had to actually pull him to where she wanted him to stand.

"Near, stand up! You'll miss it!!"

"Miss what?"

Then he realised that he was standing right beside Mello. Heehee.

"You DARE catch that bouquet, I'm going to KILL you, you hear?!"

"O-okay Mello…"

That was when I threw my oh-so-beautiful bouquet…directly in Mello's direction. Near squealed and ducked, but Mello instinctively caught it. Everyone in the room was laughing at him.

"WHAT THE HELL?!?!" I took it as a good sign that he hadn't reached for his gun. "YOU STUPID BRIDE!!! YOU DID THAT ON PURPOSE!!"

"Yup!"

"DON'T TRY AND DENY-What? You admitted it?"

"I'm very very honest, Mello. Didn't you know that? Heehee."

"THAT'S NOT THE POINT!! THE POINT IS THAT YOU THREW THAT BOUQUET AT ME AND MADE NEAR STAND WITH ME SO I HAVE TO MARRY NEAR!!"

"…No-one said you have to, dingus."

"YEAH YOU….didn't? ah crap, I just made a complete ass of myself."

Matt wandered up. He was probably attracted by the free wedding bar.

"Mells, my good man…lady? Eh. Mells my good friend, you _always _make an ass of yourself."

And that's how the big wedding-day brawl began.

**Lol!! Next update wont take so long, unless i wither and die from lack of reviews!! i LIVE on your reviews!!**


	15. Chapter 15

**I like this chapter, even if its a bit long. :D Oh wells. **

**Nothing insulting intended by this chapter. I dont think i wrote anything that could be seen that way, but you know, gotta be careful in this day and age....**

**I'm thinkin i need to update 'It's Not Who I Am'. Any of you read it? Any of you think i should just not bother and delete it? Whatever.**

**Disclaimer: i own nothing!**

**Enjoy!!**

Twas the night after my 'wedding', and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a blonde, gun-obsessed, hair-like-a-lap-dog, angsty, obviously-in-the-closet mafia boss. He had decided to drown his humiliation in alcohol. Big mistake, bubs.

I snuck into his room to find some way of annoying him. I didn't go too near to his bed, because I didn't want to wake him up, but I could see he was still there. His room was unusually tidy; there were just some clothes on the floor. Nothing I could use to annoy him there. Unless…

He really should think of a better hiding-place for his chocolate. Some careless person could easily accidentally find it if they were cleaning under the loose floorboards…or not. But still, I had a plan.

I wandered down to the kitchen, waving a friendly howdy to my 'husband', and then dug out the carrots from the fridge. I saw L shudder.

"What's the problem?"

"Those…things."

I looked at the carrots. "These?" L's eyes went wider, if possible, and he nodded. He looked terrified.

"What's wrong with carrots? Do you have some kind of aversion to orange things?"

"No…no, they're..._ vegetables_." He hissed, and his eyes suddenly narrowed.

"L, have the leprechauns been telling you that vegetables are evil again?" he nodded. I sighed, grabbed a red pepper, and threw it at him. He ran from the kitchen, screaming about vegetables taking over the world. I shook my head and got to work.

Cutting carrots into rectangles the same size as a Hershey's is really very difficult. You need HUGE carrots, and lots of them when dealing with someone like Mello. I think I may have wiped out a month's carrot supply. Hopefully Mr. Wammy would forgive me.

I sneaked back into Mello's room and very very carefully opened each and every chocolate bar, and replaced all the candy with carrots. I resealed them with a tiny bit of glue and re-hid them. I am a freaking super-genius. J-Sama, super-genius supreme…it had such a nice ring to it. Before I left, I turned to check if Mello was nearly awake. Nothing on earth would have prepared me for what I saw that day. I may be in therapy for the rest of my life.

Our beloved Mel-Chan was naked and settled in the middle of his bed, with his left arm wrapped around naked Matt and right arm around- it couldn't be- naked Near. Using my super-geniusness to suppress my laughing, I took a picture on my phone for later annoying, and yanked Near out of bed and out of the room before he could wake up. I chucked him into his room before he knew what was happening, and then sat by Mello's door to wait for the fireworks.

"ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!"

"WHAT THE FUUUUUUCK!?!"

Hehe. Fireworks, people, fireworks.

"WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU IN MY BED??"

"WHY THE FUCK AM I IN YOUR BED??"

"Did we...you know…"

"…Cant remember"

"Shit…"

"Was I on top?"

"Of course you weren't, Matt- OWW MY ASS!! Okay, you were top…"

By this time, a crowd had gathered and everyone at Wammy's was listening to this…rather embarrassing conversation.

"You tell anyone, Ima shoot your bitch ass, got it Matt?"

"Technically Mell, your ass is the bitch-"

"SHUT UP, ASSHOLE! I need chocolate...get the fuck out!"

"Dude, I need clothes."

"Grrr…" Everyone heard Mello rummage for chocolate, rip off the paper, and chomp without noticing what he was eating.

"EEEWWWW! Matty! Someone's trying to poison me!!!"

"Mell, its just carrots, just get another bar…if I were you, id be more concerned about what happened last night than chocolate…"

"Fuck up, Matty! You know I hate vegetables!"

"Matty? Did you give me a pet name last night? How sweet…"

"GODDAMMIT IM TRYING TO FORGET EVER WAKING UP TO FIND YOU IN MY BED!! STOP BRINGING IT UP!!" He was evidently getting more chocolate. He bit again.

"Shit! Matt, someone IS trying to kill me!" Everyone outside fled as there were stomping feet headed to the door. Me and Amanda were leaning nonchalantly against a wall, smoking bubble-pipes and pretending we didn't know what was going on.

"That's it! You die!" I found myself face to face with a gun. Uh-oh.

"Well, Melly-Chaaaaan…" Was Amanda gonna say something to save my life? Hopefully.

"Just thank god it wasn't Near you woke up with?"

Ahahaa…yeah, give god the credit for that one. Mello stomped off, muttering something along the lines of albino stripper puzzle-boys. Odd.

"Thanks, A, I didn't really wanna get shot…"

"J?"

"Mmm?"

"Where did you put Near?"

**No real pipes/tobacco/anything was smoked during the making of this fic. Only those little plastic pipes that squirt bubbles. Lol.**

**Thanks again go to Amanda Shortcake, whos fic really need to be checked out. All of them. Seriously. Read them. Go on, not like youve got anything better to do! :P Joking.**

**Every review you send me makes more fairy dust availible for wishing. You want wishes, you give me reviews :D**


	16. Chapter 16

**Apologies: Ive been a bad author and havent updated. Sorry.**

** This chapter is pretty suckish. Sorry.**

**But meh, when its 1am and sleep is fast becoming a thing of the past, this makes you laugh. if youre me. which youre not.**

**Disclaimer: i own nothing**

**enjoy!**

So, a couple weeks had gone past since Mello's bedroom 'mishap', and I decided it was time to infuriate the pink-panties mafiaman. Yah, pink panties. Not that we were stalking or anything, but A and me just so happened to be sneaking into Mello's room to find Near going through his undies. LOL.

Valentines day was months ago. Everyone in the world knows that. But still, its summer, and it's a good time to use my (amazing) artistic skills to attempt (yet again) to hook Matt up with Mello.

"Amandaaa! Where's the pink glitter?"

"In Mello's hair!"

"What, you used it all?!"

"Umm…yeah? But it was for a good cause!"

"Fair enough."

I ended up having to use some kind of pink dust I found in L's evidence locker. I hope it's not poisonous. Tee hee.

Decorating a love-card was fun. What would be even more fun would be seeing Melly-chan's reaction. Big heart stickers, and pink dust, and glittery pens…I could've been amused for hours if I had someone to decorate. But all I had was the card. Meh.

Because I'm just amazing, I can impersonate Matt's (very distinctive) handwriting, so I signed the card and slipped it under Mello's door. Lazy blondie was still asleep. Lucky lucky me. I sat to watch the door, waiting for the leather-clad time-bomb to go boom. A arrived eventually, studying the strange black book she had hit me with at my fake wedding.

"What's that?"

"Shinigami notebook."

"Okay."

I went back to my watching and A went back to scribbling in the black book. Shinigami…hee hee, what a funny word…

~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~

A long time went passed before I finally heard the sounds of our one and only anti-Christ waking up. Oh how I laughed.

Footstep, footstep, footstep…

"What the fuck?" Shuffle shuffle. Sounds of card being picked up off the floor.

"…"

"A, pay attention! He's about to explode!"

A fangirlish squeal. What the fuck?

"Matty! That's so sweet!! Um, I mean…um…eew, love-stuff, way to un-macho for me…"

To late for a save, Mel, we heard ya. Lol.

"Matty!"

Running feet….and the oh-so-stripy-one raced into Mello's room…leaving the door open as Mello leapt on him.

Aww. Two random guys making out in a doorway. Crap, they stopped before I got the camera.

"You forgot the camera didn't you?"

"…Shut up!"

"Matty, thanks for the card! It was so sweet!"

Well here's a new side to mood-swing-mafia-man that we've never seen before.

"Dude, what card?"

"You mean you didn't send me a card?"

"…pretty sure."

"Then how…"

"Dude, face it. Those girls pranked you. Again."

"CRAP!"

"…Calm down?"

"NO WAY! THEY'VE PRANKED ME FOR THE LAST TIME, I SWEAR!"

Hehe. That's what you think…just wait til next chapter.

Click-click of a loading gun.

Running feet. Mine and A's.

**Review me darlings! I'm dying of review withdrawal! and i give reviewers cookies!! and cookie monsters if your the lucky 13th reviewer on this chapter!**

**Thanks again to dearest A-Chan, for being in the story. Is she a random Kira who sprung up outta nowhere? *shrugs* ask her yourself?**


	17. Chapter 17

**I'm so sorry at how long its been! Ive had internet issues, and then I was fixed on my fictionpress, and then the internet went again and ive had work experience these last two weeks...but i got everything fixed up today, and its summer break!! 6 weeks of freedom!! :D**

**Enjoy!!**

I was wandering the corridors of Wammy's house, and had NO IDEA how the hell I was gonna annoy Mello today. I just pouted until I got attention from someone.

"Why have you got that expression on your face?" Near sat on the floor next to my pouty-corner and started playing with his…

Robots. I just pouted more. He looked up at me and obviously saw that I was attention seeking. Bleh. "I can't think of any ways to annoy Mello today!"

Near thought for a moment.

And another moment.

And another one.

Until finally, "He's working on the Kira case today. Tell him you're Kira and then yell 'sike!' or some equally annoying slang word that means you've just tricked someone."

I looked blank.

"You…do know what the Kira case is, don't you?"

More blank looks.

Near sighed. "Just tell him you're Kira. It might be worth a few 'Lolz' or whatever it is you Internet people say nowadays…"

Near sounded like an old man. Hehe. I skipped off to the 'secret' basement to find Matt and Mello. A met me halfway there, the black notebook under her arm. "Off to annoy Mello again today, J?"

"What other pass-times do I have? My life is tragically empty." I giggled, and began skipping along because I couldn't think of anything else to do to pass time until I got to the basement.

When we got to the basement door, I looked in and saw the Oh-My-God moment of this chapter. Mello, sitting on the desk, and Matt leaning into him and kissing him forcefully on the lips. His hand drifted to the laces on Mello's leather pants…Hehe.

Nothing like an opportune moment. A stood by the door, taking pictures that would undoubtedly end up huge and on the cafeteria wall. When she was done, I ran into the room yelling "MELLO!! MELLO!!!!!! I'M KIRA!!! Whatever that means…"

The two adorable little darlings leapt apart and Mello quickly retied his pants. "WHAT?! KIRA IS YOU?! WHY DIDN'T I KNOW THAT!?"

"Well, there's a reason you're number two…"

"YOURE TELLING ME NEAR GOT THERE BEFORE ME!?"

"Well…no."

"So why are you here and WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!?"

"Kira is…A!"

She jumped up from scribbling in her book. "Who told you?!"

"Ummm…what?"

"Nothing, carry on with the thing…"

"Okay. Mello, I'm Kira."

"WOW I BEAT NEAR!! Awesome! Wait til I tell L he can come back from Japan because I solved the case! I…"

"SIKE!" I giggled and ran away.

I forgot to stay and get Mello's reaction, dammit!

Wandering into the cafeteria, I decided it would be way more entertaining to see his reaction when he saw the poster-sized Matt-and-Mello-make-out-showdown pictures A had put up. Buahahahaha.

**Review cookies make me happy :D even if this chapter isnt up to scratch. I'm sorry. but like character-me says, i'm running out of ideas.**


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